Whether or not you should give an ex who cheated a second chance is a tough question. It’s tough because you need to be honest about your ex and why they cheated. You also need to be honest about yourself and your relationship with your ex.
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First of all, your ex has cheated but why did they cheat on you? This depends on what type of cheat they are. There are two types of cheats – one-time cheats and serial cheats.
One-time cheats make a genuine mistake. They regret it. They hate themselves for the fact that they have cheated. They are frightened by what they have lost or nearly lost – the person they truly love. Caught or not, they won’t do it again.
Serial cheats, on the other hand, intend to have their cake and eat it too. They think they are entitled, and always will. They are not particularly concerned about getting caught. They invest less heavily in relationships than their partners do and they believe their partner’s love will get them a second chance.
So be honest. What type of cheat is your ex? Disregard any tears, pleas, promises and other “signs” of guilt and remorse. Serial cheats will have practised for the day(s) they get caught.
Ask yourself, has your ex cheated in a former relationship? Have they cheated in your relationship more than once? Have you suspected them of cheating? Have parts of their life felt off-limits to you? Did you always give more to the relationship than your ex?
If yes to any or all of the above, you should not get back with your ex. You will soon be back to square one, asking yourself, Should I give my cheating ex a second chance? They don’t deserve a second chance, and you deserve better.
If this isn’t clear to you then you need to ask yourself some questions. Are you more afraid of being alone than being hurt again by your ex? Do you believe it is your fault that they cheated, and you need to change? Do you believe your ex will change “because they said so?”
These are not valid reasons to give a cheating ex a second chance. They are reasons to get help to feel good about yourself, recognise your own worth (which your ex doesn’t) and move on – without your ex.
If on the other hand your ex has been fully committed to your relationship, sharing and open about all aspects of their life, has never been unfaithful to you or a former partner, and you never had the slightest reason to suspect they had cheated on you or were likely to cheat, then you have good reason to believe they are a one-time cheat.
In this case, you should consider getting back with your ex even though they have cheated. There is never any excuse for cheating, which is why it is never your fault. But genuine remorse deserves at least a chance of forgiveness – an opportunity to turn a genuine mistake into a lesson to live by in future.
There is no doubt you will be experiencing a deep sense of betrayal, hurt, anger, confusion, and doubt about your ability to ever love and trust again. After all, everything you believed in has proved to be false, or so it seems. The person you always shared your emotions with is now the last person you can share them with, creating a deep sense of loneliness and isolation.
Unlike serial cheats, an ex who has made the one-time “mistake of their lives” will be deeply aware of what you are going through – and that it is their fault. Your ex will feel fully deserving of everything you throw at them. They will be prepared to wait as long as it takes for you to deal with the fact that they have cheated and decide whether or not you will give them a second chance. They will hope for this but not expect it.
So, you have all the time in the world to decide if you should get back with your one-time cheating ex. Use this time to let your emotions settle and reach a decision that you can really live with.
You may find you can never forgive your ex for the fact that they cheated – it’s over. But you may also find that despite all you are feeling now, your relationship had enough value and substance that you are prepared to give it a second chance.
Copyright 2007 Caroline Mackenzie
Magic! The Book That Has Helped Thousands of People to Get An Ex Back
